Isn't going anywhere

People are coming to my home now and making me realize you are not complete, screw you all! What the fuck can i do if someone screwed me over and ruined my life, i am committed to fight but i can't get back to where i was few years back, all  blooming, growing, top of the trail, i have a black mark on me now for whoever shit is responsible for this, how can someone make fun of me for what i am not at fault.

Pressure coming in from authorities, i am getting sick of it when i can't lead my life with a peaceful mind. I am fighting with everyone, losing control every passing second. Don't want to be this person anymore, want to become a nice and calm person. God, what's going on. It feels like there is nothing left to do, losing the zeal to grow.

Just one of those days

I read all my blog posts when i feel emotional, feels a little relieved to go over myself yet again, live those moments when i could express myself if i feel something. Now, i can't even do that, i feel that it doesn't matter to write about it, it's a waste of time. It's a tough emotion to go through, in fact i am making an effort right now to fill these empty lines, but there is lot more to go. I feel strange that i am starting to look at couples walking and my heart sinks for a moment but then make myself think about all the pain which comes with it and i start to feel normal again. It's not important, it's a silly thing to feel bad about at least at this phase of life. Is it going to be the same in the future as well, would i be able to still manage to convince myself that it is ok this way? Not sure, will see when it comes i guess. Is it going to be too late to realize, don't know.

It's funny that i had to be disappointed on Holi, not that i was doing something great couple of years back but this time it was extra bad, may be because i have set myself to break the shackles of sadness and enjoy the festival for a change, but couldn't do it, lack of resources :). Expectations is the mother of all worries, how can i change it, how can i not expect anything, it's weird. I thought a lot while coming going and coming back from Jaipur but i couldn't figure out anything.