That will never happen again!

"I know better than that, that will never happen again" - Maverick. Same here, dude. How can i be so stupid to ruin my super life like that, i am averagely smart, making good money for myself, earn good reputation among friends, love my family, super emotional, excited about life, all gone down the drain with 1, 1 bad move. It sucks! It's like i was on the top of the trail, and fall to the ground full of shit, now i need enough water to clean this shit off me. I could have a perfect life with a perfect girl, but not to be, not in this life i guess. I don't how it is to die alone, may be i will soon find out :).


I used to tell people that it is easy to live when you know someone else ruined your life, but very very hard when you know that you yourself screwed it. I see people everyday and my heart sinks for couple of moments but then i get myself busy in something, i don't want to think about it but then i can't afford to do that. I wish i can breath fresh air soon, how much more of suffocation, how much more of a life when you keep wishing that it might get better, i want to live a better life, experience it, enjoy it and then die. Life is a bitch, ain't it. God gave me a super quality though - "Humour", i am glad i have it, keeps me going. Make me tough too God, make me determined, focussed.

Random thoughts

Everybody found someone ideal to spent their rest of the life with, they look cute together, god bless them. I saw her with her husband, i regret for a split of a second but then i wish good for them, wish they be happy all their life. I realized mind works faster than a quad core processor, when in that split of a second, i think to myself that i would been here at his place, i would have been living this splendid life with more than a decent girl who takes care of the entire family and is so simple and like minded that i can't even imagine having any issues with, but then, destiny is destiny, you have to live what writtern up there. I might be blabbering but then the whole point of opening this blog is for me to blabber, blabber to myself, random thoughts, the place where i dont have to think twice that someone might mind the way i am presenting my thoughts, and i should politically correct myself. I should call it a mirror, where i am talking to myself and seeing who i am, what my thoughts are like. Is it difficult to fall in love at this stage, if i go ahead and take a survey, most of them will say "No" and that is the irnoy of living in a real life that nothing seems to be realm everybody is robotically programmed to think and express opininons to a set standard, at least most of them. I met couple of people in the past few days, different personalities, i talked to them freely as i always do, but after i left them to go their way, i felt them laughing at me, so much so that i alsmost saw it, i felt bad, disgraced  but then thought to myself if they have to laugh at me, why would they even bother to come so far to meet me. I am confused, heavily. In these 30 years, i met 100s of people, all come and gone, some look back for a while, some don't. It's hard to accept that you have to spend this life alone, of course there are people around you, but at my situation, no one seems to stick, stand by me like i am. All of them have their own constaints, limitations and point of view. The crux of life is it's you who has to make your life better and be on the side when you advice someone, it's easy,  but being on the other side is a whole different ballgame. I wanted a lot of things, but now, even writing that "I want to" scares me. I can live alone, provided no one bothers me for the state i am in.


I wish for myself for the first time. I wish i be happy from heart, that is the only way i would be able to get over few people otherwise it's going to be really hard for me, and that's what makes it tough i guess. Of all the girls i have connected closely, i could have spent my life with anyone, but not to be, they were not made for me, for once if i could have read their future, i would have moved on. God be with you Saurabh!