The day i have been dreading may be around the corner somewhere. I am very scared, trying to smile and avoiding to think about it, although it is not changing the situations but certainly giving me some more time to feel normal like nothing has happened. I pray that this situation will be taken care of as other things have been so far. Please god, be on my side in the form of people helping me to get through this tough phase. I almost forgot how it is to feel happy and carefree, there is always a worry at the back of my head no matter how much i try to divert myself. I don't care about the rest of the life right now, don't care about how lonely or accompanied i would be, although i am definitely hoping that i would cherish the fresh air i would breath after this mess is over. Don't feel like doing poetry or working on the book in the past few weeks when i am going through the most weak moments. I realized that even writing needs some attention and it works more in retrospective mode for me rather than penning down the current circumstances, my complete attention is on handling the situation and not writing about it.
I talked badly to my sister couple of days back, i feel very bad for that, i hope she is ok and forgot about it already. I keep wishing that she gets a splendid life and the dark demons of my life would not effect her. I pray that she gets most of my remaining luck just leaving sufficient for me so that i can lead at least a normal life and she need not worry about me at all.
I will always have a regret for my mother though, the women of substance for me, she lived a shitty life all these years and now i am one of the reason to make it even more shitty. She deserves better, i wished Vicky bhai would have been alive so i do not have to come into existence. Vicky and manu must have been the perfect children for mom to give her a better life than i could ever give to her. No point ending my life as well, that will give her more pain than anything else. Well, the only option is i live and make it better and give her some happiness for the rest of her years. I wish i can give her a grand kid to play with, i am sure she will love it and the biggest payback i can provide.
Me avoiding the lingering danger is even reflecting in my writings, just realized how i switched topics and thought about something else. Let's see what the next few days have in store for me, i hope it passes without doing any physio/psychological harm to me.
I talked badly to my sister couple of days back, i feel very bad for that, i hope she is ok and forgot about it already. I keep wishing that she gets a splendid life and the dark demons of my life would not effect her. I pray that she gets most of my remaining luck just leaving sufficient for me so that i can lead at least a normal life and she need not worry about me at all.
I will always have a regret for my mother though, the women of substance for me, she lived a shitty life all these years and now i am one of the reason to make it even more shitty. She deserves better, i wished Vicky bhai would have been alive so i do not have to come into existence. Vicky and manu must have been the perfect children for mom to give her a better life than i could ever give to her. No point ending my life as well, that will give her more pain than anything else. Well, the only option is i live and make it better and give her some happiness for the rest of her years. I wish i can give her a grand kid to play with, i am sure she will love it and the biggest payback i can provide.
Me avoiding the lingering danger is even reflecting in my writings, just realized how i switched topics and thought about something else. Let's see what the next few days have in store for me, i hope it passes without doing any physio/psychological harm to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment