Thank you Di

A usual evening at work, just when i was about to call it a day, received an email for a parcel to collect. I went and collected it with utter surprise, then put it aside on my desk staring at it thinking it has to be a mistake, checked the name on the parcel 3-4 times to make sure that it was really intended for me. I looked around thinking if i should open it now, and of course i did. It was a lavish box inside with a journal, chocolates, a premium bathing gel and a message. Curiosity rises even more thinking who can send this to me, i mean, to me? And right that moment a ping came from her, "Want to quickly check something, Did u receive anything?". I couldn't reply for a minute as i knew who send it now and then I read the message, a rainbow of emotions and a shiver ran down my spine. It must be odd for everyone to see that i couldn't control my wide smile. Didn't know what to say, but still i did. Of course i couldn't sat there any longer, held the parcel close to heart, put the card in my shirt top pocket to read it in the train and i did repeatedly for all the 5 stations till the final stop. It must be my first journey back in last couple of months when i did not think of anything else and kept smiling (as she said). It was a feeling of being in someone's thoughts, being cared and pampered and i felt blessed with only one thing in my head "It is not that bad Saurabh, there are people who love you without any prejudice and truly care for your happiness".

Thank you so much Di, not only for this beautiful gift, but for always making me smile, guiding me on dark paths, letting me know you are there every single time i feel alone and helpless. I will not forget this day and all those since i have known you. It is my first entry in the journal and it's dedicated solely to you. And the only small thing i can say right now is, "I will always make you smile as well and will always be there like you are!"

Trouble maker

Why is that you hurt people you care for the most, unknowingly. I should control my mouth, didn't want to see a frown on her face, it aches. A self created trouble! May be I should mind my own business most of the time.

Hope she have a smile on her face, that would be my Diwali gift this year.

"Maktub"

Embarking a new journey, it might not be such a big step as i am making it appear or may be it is. In a way, it's good that I will finally get to meet "B" and i am very excited about it but at the same time, I have to leave everyone else behind which ties my feet. I remember the time when I was moving to Hyderabad and "A" sent my resignation cause I just couldn't gather the courage to press the send button. She met me outside with "R" and she had tears in her eyes. I  had anger in my eyes though, cause it was not what I wanted. They despised me and the first heart break as a young guy (strange, I didn't get my first heart break cause of a girlfriend :)). I stood there with a bag I used to carry on my shoulders with lifeless limbs, thinking "How could they do this to me" and left never to look back but I did, a lot of times and in a way blame both of them for where I am today. Have I not moved to Hyderabad, it would have been a completely different life but may be I would have met all those wonderful people I did, may be it is all destined. "Maktub"!

Anyway, here I am again, going to a foreign land with nothing but a single dream in my eyes. When will I focus on my life, when will I start thinking about myself which I expect others to do on my behalf. I am sick of moving on, I want to settle at a place with a small group besides me with whom I grow old with, why I can't it be like that. I always feel I am born in a wrong era, and the reason I am struggling so much dealing with emotions. I read somewhere, you see the world how you would like it to be rather than how it is and combining this with the first trait just makes it extra messy.

Alas, here I am with my messed up life, where the most suited ones keep telling me to change and this ain't the "ideal" way to lead. "B" told me once "you are not the only good person in this world, there are many many more" and it brought some sense into me. But, whenever I think about it, I tell her in my mind, "B, but how many can keep living with it and be happy. I wish to attain that, that's my destiny".

I know I ain't going to be Ambani or Bill gates but I will not throw my life away, I will make it enough to do well but I wish I do it on my own terms and not forced to change a lot.

The Alchemist

Taught me a few things, as with everyone else who read it, I assume. It was a special read cause someone close, asked me to read it, probably the only way I could read something. And the only reason, I tried to understand, relate, think and learn.

- It tells me to focus, on the goal, give everything to it or don't bother pursuing it (like the crystal merchant, who is not leading a bad life but less content with a missing link)

- It tells me to listen to my heart. Sometimes it pushes and sometimes warns you. It might not tell you the exactly how to discover the "elixir of life" but it definitely can lead you towards it. Warning: It involves sacrifices, giving up on your immediate treasure, your loved ones in the pursuit of something else

- It tells me "not to spill the oil in the spoon", which I will try not to forget, ever

The more I read, the more I thought, happy and confused at the same time. The inquisitive me, seek more answers, which I hoped I would get somewhere. It didn't tell me "How do I listen to my heart to know what my destiny is and the path to it in so much noise", "What happens to people who probably don't reach their destiny but interrupt others, do they meet their just and why the desert sand don't engulf them". Probably, it's just my anger and it's not important.

I am in the middle of a journey which probably will lead me to "The pyramids" or probably settles me in a crystal shop, atop hill, but I do certainly cherish the Englishmen, King, Alchemist I am meeting along the way. Probably, keeping them in my little bag I carry, is my destiny, probably that's what I want to do.

Of all the people I met and connected with, I am left with 3 most important gems, my mother, my friend "B" and a sister "Y". Not that there are not more good friends or relatives of mine, but they sometimes want something in return which I don't always possess and at those times, I need to categorize again.

I can be judged very easily, can be loved and hated very easily but "kept" very seldom and these 3 gems keep me, they don't want anything in return and I say to the wind, this in my world is "True Love", is "Fatima's Love".

An Alternate Life

"Har kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta, kisi ko zameen kisi ko aasmaan nahi milta".

Everybody don't get the life they wish for or deserve to live with a pure soul. But they do get something else, something alternate to fill all those holes, voids which got created by the innumerable meteors life has been throwing at them, in my case, got some soulful, pure friends, who always showed me the right way or told me everything is going be right if they didn't know the way themselves. The count always varied, sometime 1, sometimes more, some lost in the middle, some paused in the middle, some continued, and some just never left, I cherish mostly all of them and thank god for this alternate, it was better than a "smooth ride of life". If that's what bumps in my life gave me, I gladly accept it.  

"Ek din ye sab kuch nahi rehna, sab apne apne raste nikal jayenge. Hota nahi ji, vohi duniya de jhamele, naukri dhoondo, paise kamao, ghar basao, te life de isharon pe nachde jao. Dhim lak lak te Dhim lak lak. Log kahte hain DJ mein badi baat hai, kuch karega DJ, lekin bahar duniya mein acche acche DJ pis gaye, laakhon ki bheed mein". - Rang De Basanti

Well, I hope they just don't give up on me ever, no matter how many silly things I do. I love this alternate life. So far.

Some more rambling!

Everyone is looking for that beautiful romantic story in their lives, someone who selflessly looks out for them, someone who will come running to hug you on a good or a terrible news, but it's more tricky than one think. I never understood when they say "Finding a true love is only few's destiny", I thought everyone would get someone like that, but it is not true, I realized it after few broken relationships and then I got married. It's weird I just proposed a single girl all my life and that too when I met her for the first time after 6 month of being a pen friend and she called me after 6 years down her marriage saying "I should have said yes to you", there was nothing more painful to hear that although I was fighting some legal battles of myself. I looked at her profile that night after so many years and she looked lovely. I wished her marriage works out and she doesn't have to say that to anyone ever again, well, my wish came true. For a more selfish part of me thought, I should have asked for something else. I watch all these romantic movies, and being such a romantic person myself, it's ironic that no one could love me back the same way, or may be I have been looking at all wrong places, I didn't have the experience of finding her out in the crowd. And today, I am standing here almost empty handed, no one to share my thoughts to, no good friend who will ready to die for me like I can, not a very bright career in front of me, standing on the corpses of all bad decisions I took which eventually led me at this point. I came out of very tough situations, but this time, I am not able to gather enough courage to collect all my domino and start over, it's just too tiring, too much effort, too much dedication, I don't have that push left inside me. Alas, I wish I was the guy 10 years back, I wish I can just rewind everything and start afresh. Now, do I dedicate my life to others as I did or ruin it even more for a more selfish path.

Saurabh Garg is BACK!

I wrote this a year and a half back, 17th June 2012 to be precise.

"But I will be back people, one day Saurabh Garg will be back with all his fucking guts and if God gives a fair chance, will teach few bastards a lesson, a cold eye to few more selfish ones and love to rest of them."

Watch this space for more if I can deliver on my promises above.