Jaane kahan aa gaye hum!

It's so weird and disappointing to find myself in this situation when i have very few people by my side and people are living the lives which i dreamt of, i come home and there is nothing more than a TV and a concerned mother, i am sick of it already. I did not deserve it for sure, not if you pay the debts of your bad doings in the same birth, i dont remember doing bad to anyone in 30 long years. People are happy and i dont feel bad for them, god bless them all, but i feel bad for myself that there is no one except my mother to take care of me, to love me, to wait for me, to link their life with me, and here i am sitting alone at this time of the night thinking to myself, may be someday i will get over all of these things, may be someday i will be satisfied, may be someday i will be able to do justice to my mother. Help God, i am one of your good children.

A word of advice!

Lot of my friends and wellwishers in past few weeks have given me a lot of advice, of course for my own good, and i listened patiently and was thinking inside my head that there is lot of it i know already, and lot of it is true but we all can talk a lot about the ideal things, the way they are supposed to be, for instance, "be happy every day", "try to find out happiness out of little things", "life is unfair to lot of us", "it's complicated", "we have to fight and come out winning", "never lose hope", everything sounds so true, ain't it and even not so difficult to do and may definitely help, but when all of these things have been said, i was curiously thinking inside my head that i was just hoping a decade ago, that i have gone past a sweet phase of life (childhood) which was not as expected or how ideally it should be, may be the mischievous phase of life (adulthood) will bring me some stability, some perfection, but not to be. Definitely, lot of people face these problems, probably all of what i have been through, probably worse, but do they deserve it, does anyone deserve it?


I disagree that some people are not living a dream of their lives, but i don't envy them, never been like that thankfully and more so for my own good, i am not too selfish either, so i don't think about myself very often (may be one thing i should change now) and probably these 2 things are allowing me to hold my nerves even after so much has happened. I wanted to live that dream too, not just for myself, for people who suffered with me, more than me, my mother, my sister, my friends who stood by me. I wanted to see my mother happy for the rest of her years, but not living another of her son's misfortunes (mistake in this case). I wanted to see a little kid in her hands, the happiness which might have given her some extra years, but not a kid who is not getting any younger and she still needs to worry about him. I am sincerely sorry to her and to all of those who have been part of my life in every capacity and has smiled and cried with me.


And if nothing else, i can promise to all of them that i will try my best that they won't get into any further trouble or become sad/concerned for which i am the reason.


I sincerely accept everyone's advice and will try to apply them all i can but somewhere inside i think how great it could have been if i would have never needed these advices. Sigh!

Life teaches you a lot!

Every single day, life teaches you something. What i learned today is that it's very important to keep your feelings inside as the moment you let it out and express, it loses its worth. It's like gold until it's treasured in some corner of your heart, and it's a stone as soon as it's released. I should make this a part of a "new" me to speak as much as required and not say much, half of which doesn't even mean anything. I guess i am not the first person who knows this fact but now i know it as well. I try to avoid being sad daily so that i gets prepared for the unknown which is going to happen in the future, so that i don't regret losing this time when i go through tough times. It's very disheartening though to hear some things from the people you don't want to, although you always have this fear that they might say something to you, but you still don't want to, but the lesson is not to push them, because once they say it, they said it.


I really feel like a fool for being the kind of person i am, although my god knows that i never want to hurt anyone, specially the people i love but the disadvantage of being me is that i somehow push them to let me know that i don't matter. I didn't want to sulk, i hope i never do. I don't know what i am saying but suddenly the rain doesn't feel nice, the breeze doesn't soothe me, the little project i started is not attracting me, the ideas/questions i had for the lawyer, i don't feel like talking/thinking about it, don't feel like watching TV, don't feel like going home, eat or anything. I don't want to hurt no one, god please help me not to hurt anyone, please.

What a turnaround!

Life was different a few years back, i was a simple guy with no malice in mind and very emotional, foolish kid only thinking about friends and my work. But now, I cannot be more complicated, all kind of emotions are flowing through my head, fear, anger, pity but no love, i don't have time or space to think about my friends, but thankfully, some of them do think about me and take time from their lives to meet me, call me, i love them for it. I think this is the only payback of being foolishly honest all those years. Now, there is nothing certain, things look a lot gloomy and dark but i want to get out of this mess first of all and then think about how i want to shape up the rest of my life. I coudn't sleep whole night, looked at my mom in her room sleeping and i was very scared, that what will i do without her, almost alone in this world with nothing to look forward to, so much so that i thought of ending my life after her. But i do change my thinking every once in a while that there is no point sulking and there are so many things to do, visit, and feel happy about. I pray to god that i give all of my loved ones a happy life for the rest of my years.


I don't want to be weak but smart and cheeky to defeat the people ruined my life. I hope god will give me strength and happiness to be that person.

Starting a new life online!

Created a new blog today, have been thinking of doing this in a while. There is another one but i just want to keep that one for poetic creations and not mess it up with my venting, so here i created my venting machine, where i can vent all i want with noone to judge me, to think i am weak, to pity on me, so on and so forth. I know it's a pretty common reason of creating a blog, well even i am tired of thinking i will be doing anything different.


Welcome to my world! I live here and i talk to myself when i feel there is no one around or i think it's only me who can understand what i have to say!