Happy Diwali

Sometimes people don't even realize that they are hurting someone by their mere honest gestures. I turned around, smirked at myself and continued walking, they went in the other direction playfully talking and playing with each other. I realized it was longer a walk than i expected or not expected it to be. It was not such a big deal if i think of it in all the practical sense of life but it was important for that emotional part of my life which i am choosing to ignore more than often. I am trying to teach myself that being emotional is not treated as respectfully as it appears to be, people respect those who remains tough despite of all the venom life is spitting on you but not those who put their hands up asking "What did i do to deserve this", they are called losers in today's age and i certainly don't want to be called a loser for my own egoistic self. So i walked on still with a smirk on my face being tough, although deep inside i was crying loud so much that i almost heard it but then what good a tear is if there is no one to wipe it off your face. Although i couldn't see them anymore, not that i dared to look back but i imagined the rest of it and it was not helping in any way.

It is true! Being alone is not tough unless you are made to feel it not just by yourself but by the so called "not single" people around you. I never came to know whether it's a pity or a proud feeling of not being "like me". People say it's not the toughest part, it's yet to come and that uncertain fear is what makes me loose all the hope to be in a condition I might never will be in if not for all the "experienced" people telling me what will definitely happen, predicting the time which they themselves haven't seen yet. Should i believe them just for the sake of "It just might be true" or may be not and leave my life on fate not expecting anything or expect even worse, like i can do that :).

There is so much you can learn from life everyday and what it actually means is if you apply what you learn, you can might be less hurtful than usual, you might avoid few situations you might fall in if you don't learn but can anyone learn it ever. We all do mistakes all the time, some of the extremists call it "living the life", such a rare notion. I wish there were more people not telling how badly i performed but to tell me they are around even if i fail but i guess most of them are busy celebrating the top performers. Results are still not out for me but didn't i fail already.

BTW - Happy Diwali :)

What is Life?

What is life? I keep wondering what keeps people going to live so many years before they finally bid goodbye to the world. What can be so motivating without being monotonous. Some follow routine, some live spontaneously, take it as it comes, a rare breed though. What can be so entertaining for so many years to keep you interested, or may be there isn't anything and everybody is living a misconception of their own definitions of a perfect or not so perfect life.

1) Smile = Life? If something/someone makes you smile everyday, is that what we should call life, would that be a driver enough to spend the rest of years.

2) No Major Issues = Life? If there are no major issues to deal with and everything is going almost smooth. Major means different to different people. Ranging from not getting a conveyance to reach office, to a breakup, to get caught into legal matters is major to people. My definition of major is any issue which is occupying your mind for significant and important part of your life. But if there isn't such thing, then can we call it a good life

3) Companion = Life? Is having someone in your life to share everything should be called life. Isn't that monotonous? Besides few people, i didn't find anyone satisfied with their lives even with a companion. Then may be not

4) Money = Life? Lot of people believe that money can buy anything in today's era. Can that motivate someone to live an entire life easily.

5) Love = Life? Loving someone and getting love back should drive you to spend your entire life happily. Frankly, i don't believe there is anything such as everlasting, true love, either it's not true or it does not last your entire life

6) All of the above = Life? May be, may be not

What life is? I do not believe in the philosophy of life is what you make it, no, there is uncertainty, uncalled for events, misfortunes do happen, you can plan as much you like, doesn't mean it will exactly go in the direction you want to take it.

i frankly think there is nothing in the entire world which can motivate you each and every day till you die unless you want it to. I feel life is all about how you want to perceive it, can chose to be happy even in the worst of the situations and be sad even when there is nothing really wrong. Life is about small things you wish everyday and not a long term goal, you have to have something to look forward to every day, as small as having a tea with fellas at work, driving in the rain, to attend a party in the evening, watching your favorite TV show in the night. I think people complicate things by expecting a lot of things   from life, comparing other's lives to their own, unrealistic long term goals. All of it might not make me sound an ambitious person, i am not in a way, i want just enough to not make me feel small at each stage of life, but i do not want to be always first in the line.

Finally, i think expecting people to take interest in your life doesn't lead you anywhere so "Life can become better if you learn to enjoy your own company as well."

Evening Blues

The day i have been dreading may be around the corner somewhere. I am very scared, trying to smile and avoiding to think about it, although it is not changing the situations but certainly giving me some more time to feel normal like nothing has happened. I pray that this situation will be taken care of as other things have been so far. Please god, be on my side in the form of people helping me to get through this tough phase. I almost forgot how it is to feel happy and carefree, there is always a worry at the back of my head no matter how much i try to divert myself. I don't care about the rest of the life right now, don't care about how lonely or accompanied  i would be, although i am definitely hoping that i would cherish the fresh air i would breath after this mess is over. Don't feel like doing poetry or working on the book in the past few weeks when i am going through the most weak moments. I realized that even writing needs some attention and it works more in retrospective mode for me rather than penning down the current circumstances, my complete attention is on handling the situation and not writing about it.

I talked badly to my sister couple of days back, i feel very bad for that, i hope she is ok and forgot about it already. I keep wishing that she gets a splendid life and the dark demons of my life would not effect her. I pray that she gets most of my remaining luck just leaving sufficient for me so that i can lead at least a normal life and she need not worry about me at all.

I will always have a regret for my mother though, the women of substance for me, she lived a shitty life all these years and now i am one of the reason to make it even more shitty. She deserves better, i wished Vicky bhai would have been alive so i do not have to come into existence. Vicky and manu must have been the perfect children for mom to give her a better life than i could ever give to her. No point ending my life as well, that will give her more pain than anything else. Well, the only option is i live and make it better and give her some happiness for the rest of her years. I wish i can give her a grand kid to play with, i am sure she will love it and the biggest payback i can provide.

Me avoiding the lingering danger is even reflecting in my writings, just realized how i switched topics and thought about something else. Let's see what the next few days have in store for me, i hope it passes without doing any physio/psychological harm to me.

Philanthropy : A Myth?

Just like that, people are missing, quite a few of them. It’s all a sad story now with a series of interesting events, despite of that they are bored of it now, sometimes I can clearly see that nobody wants to talk about it. Few are bound to listen, status update for others, some doesn’t even bother to ask. But without exception, everyone forgets, some in few seconds, others in minutes. I came to know a lot about people in this past year, disappointing to say the least. World is not cruel, it’s selfish. There are emotions but it’s not people’s first priority. It’s hard to look people in the eye when they are pushing you off and in a way telling you to mind your own business. I am seeing all kinds these days. But hey, I did not give up, not just yet. I am not sure if I am ready to fight, but I know I will bear it. I don’t talk about deserving anymore, sick of that bullshit. Get out of shit, take what you want, till then wait patiently in the wings and I am waiting.

But I will be back people, one day Saurabh Garg will be back with all his fucking guts and if God gives a fair chance, will teach few bastards a lesson, a cold eye to few more selfish ones and love to rest of them.

Losing time

How it is to lose time. The ultimate realization of life in a night club, can you believe it. I saw a more than middle aged person dancing in a group slightly off the edge of the circle the youngsters have created for themselves to dance. He was trying to mingle with them with a drink in his hand, probably part of the same group, but to his despair no body cared too much. Even i gave a grin to one of my friends on this spectacle. But as soon as i got off the dance floor to get another drink, that's when i started realizing that i might be in his place soon enough, that  i am losing time. I held my drink and sat quietly near the bar, contemplating. May be i am emotional most of the times, may be i should not worry about anything too much, should not look for more than i have, should not regret what i lost or what i could have had, should not feel anything, may be i should not fucking live. But if i do and i couldn't die for all the reasons i am still alive for, I would certainly not lose my self respect, i would prefer to sit alone in a bar rather than making a fool of myself for some young company.

Immune

Weird emotions every day. I feel for my sister leaving but then it's not effecting me as much, may be i got a lot immune to the emotions or may be i am relieved that she will be out of all this mess at least physically. I look upon my day, it feels good sometimes, suffocating at the others but i do not dare to look beyond it, even the thought scares me.  There is hardly any meaning left but then 1 bad person can't change it forever, may be there was nothing in my life ever since, may be i always wanted to live alone. Patiently waiting for it to end 1 fine day, till then i will keep performing the usual chores of life.


"Maula mere lele meri jaan". Sigh!

True Love!

Have you ever loved someone so much that you cried, love makes you do that sometimes. When you care for someone so much that you almost make them uncomfortable, it doesn't work in the real world though. One day, either you will get sick of not getting recognized enough for what you do, how much you are devoted or your partner will get sick of so much care that they almost feel like your puppy. This is not the only reason love fails though, but hey, i am not here to talk about failure in love, i am here to dream about true love, like it almost exists. I would like to fall in love again, so much that i can't imagine living even a second without that person, so much that i look forward to something other than work :), so much that i don't even know what to expect. OR may be not, may be i will never fall in love again, may be it is a dream after all. The world is totally real after a certain age, after certain phases, after certain mishaps, there are no fairy tales after that, it's all plain cruel, practical life where you just learn how to survive and not live. In that case, may be i should just learn to live (read survive) in real world or kill time somehow till it ends.

That will never happen again!

"I know better than that, that will never happen again" - Maverick. Same here, dude. How can i be so stupid to ruin my super life like that, i am averagely smart, making good money for myself, earn good reputation among friends, love my family, super emotional, excited about life, all gone down the drain with 1, 1 bad move. It sucks! It's like i was on the top of the trail, and fall to the ground full of shit, now i need enough water to clean this shit off me. I could have a perfect life with a perfect girl, but not to be, not in this life i guess. I don't how it is to die alone, may be i will soon find out :).


I used to tell people that it is easy to live when you know someone else ruined your life, but very very hard when you know that you yourself screwed it. I see people everyday and my heart sinks for couple of moments but then i get myself busy in something, i don't want to think about it but then i can't afford to do that. I wish i can breath fresh air soon, how much more of suffocation, how much more of a life when you keep wishing that it might get better, i want to live a better life, experience it, enjoy it and then die. Life is a bitch, ain't it. God gave me a super quality though - "Humour", i am glad i have it, keeps me going. Make me tough too God, make me determined, focussed.

Random thoughts

Everybody found someone ideal to spent their rest of the life with, they look cute together, god bless them. I saw her with her husband, i regret for a split of a second but then i wish good for them, wish they be happy all their life. I realized mind works faster than a quad core processor, when in that split of a second, i think to myself that i would been here at his place, i would have been living this splendid life with more than a decent girl who takes care of the entire family and is so simple and like minded that i can't even imagine having any issues with, but then, destiny is destiny, you have to live what writtern up there. I might be blabbering but then the whole point of opening this blog is for me to blabber, blabber to myself, random thoughts, the place where i dont have to think twice that someone might mind the way i am presenting my thoughts, and i should politically correct myself. I should call it a mirror, where i am talking to myself and seeing who i am, what my thoughts are like. Is it difficult to fall in love at this stage, if i go ahead and take a survey, most of them will say "No" and that is the irnoy of living in a real life that nothing seems to be realm everybody is robotically programmed to think and express opininons to a set standard, at least most of them. I met couple of people in the past few days, different personalities, i talked to them freely as i always do, but after i left them to go their way, i felt them laughing at me, so much so that i alsmost saw it, i felt bad, disgraced  but then thought to myself if they have to laugh at me, why would they even bother to come so far to meet me. I am confused, heavily. In these 30 years, i met 100s of people, all come and gone, some look back for a while, some don't. It's hard to accept that you have to spend this life alone, of course there are people around you, but at my situation, no one seems to stick, stand by me like i am. All of them have their own constaints, limitations and point of view. The crux of life is it's you who has to make your life better and be on the side when you advice someone, it's easy,  but being on the other side is a whole different ballgame. I wanted a lot of things, but now, even writing that "I want to" scares me. I can live alone, provided no one bothers me for the state i am in.


I wish for myself for the first time. I wish i be happy from heart, that is the only way i would be able to get over few people otherwise it's going to be really hard for me, and that's what makes it tough i guess. Of all the girls i have connected closely, i could have spent my life with anyone, but not to be, they were not made for me, for once if i could have read their future, i would have moved on. God be with you Saurabh!