Saurabh Garg is BACK!

I wrote this a year and a half back, 17th June 2012 to be precise.

"But I will be back people, one day Saurabh Garg will be back with all his fucking guts and if God gives a fair chance, will teach few bastards a lesson, a cold eye to few more selfish ones and love to rest of them."

Watch this space for more if I can deliver on my promises above.

What's the ultimate truth?

People keep thinking there is something broken in your head but when there is something broken in your heart, when slowly and creepily a feeling grows inside you, you look at things from a different perspective, when you fail to find the meaning. This life, is all a matter of few years, there is no mantra of how to live it, everyone live it in their own unique way, what do you achieve or left with in the end is also very different for everyone. What happens when someone put their neck out over everyone's head and look for a long sighted truth, but there is nothing clear, it's all cloudy, white, misty. They keep telling you what to do and it is going to be fine, but then what is fine? You are forced to live through some situations by others who are stuck in the worldly things, and can't look beyond, but you can do nothing about it and everyone around you also wants you to get to a normal state where you wouldn't be forced by someone, then what do you do, what do you chose, do you still look over heads, CONFUSED?? Am I fine now?

It's the darkest I have ever written, may be I am watching too much Goth these days, may be there is nothing out there, may be I have no other talent, no other vision, may be nothing else to look forward to, may be it's too monotonous, or may be it's all these schizophrenic movies, or may be it's all true, may be people are not looking through things. I was worried about the current circumstances, but I was always regretful by the choices I made, by what will happen after all this is over, I finally hit it, I am finally here when there is another road to chose out of many and I am worried that I would go down the wrong path again, but then who knows, what's the right path, it's all these social man-made boundaries which makes it right or wrong, hard or easy. Oh, am I radical or just a pretender?

Rambling

How is it to be left alone, sometimes for the terrible things you do to someone,  in my case to self and it is reason enough for me to be in a condition I am in and not sure for how long, may be forever. When is the time one get over all the troublesome things, what age is it when it really doesn't matter. I wonder if I can skip to that age, to realize what actually matters or may be the scroll was always empty.

Life is about making mistakes, regret, correcting them and then being happy. We revolve around this vicious circle for all the years we live for with different emotions, fear, anger, love, lust, jealousy, desire, helplessness, guilt and of course happy. Can we really chose and override these emotions, can we be really happy while making mistakes, can we be sad even after correcting them, guess no one knows it for sure. 

Is there really something to look forward to, my thought deepens as the days passes by, as emotions change, naturally and forcefully.  How small or big occasion should I look forward to, wouldn't a good one going to lead to another sad one, will it ever stop? Did it ever stop for anyone out there?

Cherish or Mourn this life?

What did i do to become a person like this. Wasn't i always a good guy, obeyed to parents, cared for little sister, always there to help friends, earned money, do hard work at office, what did i miss, what the hell did i miss? But still, i am the one who have to avoid conversations so that they don't hurt me, don't remind me that they are better off. Ideally, i should be walking tall with all that i saw in life, 11 year old kid didn't know what to do, what now, what is the future, no money, 1000 Rs. a month for 3 people, yes i survived, yes i came out, yes i fucked everybody's brain out when i got selected for BIS and then Microsoft from this background. Didn't i have had my share of tough time in 30 years, to see more? How much more?

And now, i am losing my cool every day, every second, i don't know how to maintain relations anymore, i am always pissed at something, how far can i go like this. This way, i will loose everything i am left with. I feel like a liability, people are cutting corners when i talk about going out somewhere, it's a weird feeling i used to have 12 years back but then i got used to good things, i don't want to go back to feeling lonely.

I know what i missed, i missed myself, dropped it somewhere along the way, i couldn't handle everything else with my own burden it seems.

Worried

I have not been attending public gatherings, at first i thought i just don't want to get social and be happy the way i am but today i realized there might be a sub-conscious reasoning behind  it. I did attend a function, was a 25th marriage anniversary of an uncle/aunt and i realized how uncomfortable i was there standing in the middle of gathering of 500 people completely alone, my mom was there with me but it was like i am shielding her from the numerous arrows all around. I looked back at her, she was worried for me, hoping i didn't mind this whole setting and feeling bad for myself. I was tough as usual but i broke down with that expression on her face, wanted to kill myself to give her that moment, that helplessness again which i used to see on her face 18 years ago. I was the reason this time, it was my father before, i couldn't change anything after all.

What can i do for you? I am trying to be happy, does not show my sorrow on your face at all. Would it be enough?

Isn't going anywhere

People are coming to my home now and making me realize you are not complete, screw you all! What the fuck can i do if someone screwed me over and ruined my life, i am committed to fight but i can't get back to where i was few years back, all  blooming, growing, top of the trail, i have a black mark on me now for whoever shit is responsible for this, how can someone make fun of me for what i am not at fault.

Pressure coming in from authorities, i am getting sick of it when i can't lead my life with a peaceful mind. I am fighting with everyone, losing control every passing second. Don't want to be this person anymore, want to become a nice and calm person. God, what's going on. It feels like there is nothing left to do, losing the zeal to grow.

Just one of those days

I read all my blog posts when i feel emotional, feels a little relieved to go over myself yet again, live those moments when i could express myself if i feel something. Now, i can't even do that, i feel that it doesn't matter to write about it, it's a waste of time. It's a tough emotion to go through, in fact i am making an effort right now to fill these empty lines, but there is lot more to go. I feel strange that i am starting to look at couples walking and my heart sinks for a moment but then make myself think about all the pain which comes with it and i start to feel normal again. It's not important, it's a silly thing to feel bad about at least at this phase of life. Is it going to be the same in the future as well, would i be able to still manage to convince myself that it is ok this way? Not sure, will see when it comes i guess. Is it going to be too late to realize, don't know.

It's funny that i had to be disappointed on Holi, not that i was doing something great couple of years back but this time it was extra bad, may be because i have set myself to break the shackles of sadness and enjoy the festival for a change, but couldn't do it, lack of resources :). Expectations is the mother of all worries, how can i change it, how can i not expect anything, it's weird. I thought a lot while coming going and coming back from Jaipur but i couldn't figure out anything.

Stop Pushing it!

“You should learn not to push people away”? Yes, that’s being said to me who cared about people more than own self without exception. May be I always set the wrong expectation that “Its ok, say things, I am a pushover, won’t mind too much and yeah I don’t get hurt too easy”, maybe I should have thought about myself some bit, in fact I am changing it now and maybe that is why people are not understanding my changed behavior, maybe I pushed my self-respect a way too sudden and way too late. But Saurabh Garg, don’t you think it’s your misconception that it all matters, that somebody pays attention to what you feel for more than when you are talking or may be less? Will this thing ever get over, should I become a very mean person if it does, should I reciprocate everything what has happened to me in all these years? Can I? Does this world only understand it the hard way, is there no humanity left? Do we always have to live in our cocoons like wild animals? Do we always have to fight for the basic things including someone’s love/attention? Is it that bad out there? I am getting more and more depressed off the world I am living in, more disappointed as I am growing every year. I am afraid I don’t come under severe depression; I don’t want to, I want to enjoy the beauty of life, and as I realized it’s certainly not the people, it’s the peaceful loneliness, the time you can spend with yourself with no regret, burden on your head.

“You are just being desperate Saurabh, let other people live, they don’t owe you nothing. You need to accept the inhumane practicality of this life. You are just another individual who have to die one day and that is the only truth.” – Say this thousand times a day, may be you will get it.

DJ da promise!

Watching "Rang De Basanti" again, what an amazing feeling, took me to a different world, far away from all this nonsense which is happening around me. For few minutes, i completely forgot that i am not one of them, that freedom, that humor, that innocence, that sincerity, that honesty, that Yaarana, who wouldn't die for these things, at least i would. One of the things got imprinted on my mind is when one of my friend asked me whether i will stand up for my friends even though i would have family behind me, i took few seconds to respond, not because i was confused, but because i was thinking am i supposed to think about it, is that a trick question? The answer was a bold "YES", of course i would i said with a surprise in my eyes realizing it was actually not a trick question and a scene from RDB flashed before my eyes when DJ stood up in front his group for Aslam being called a Pakistani, that flare in his eyes, that protective expression. I know life is not a movie, and i am not Aamir Khan for sure but what fun it is if we always look at life from a practical lens, it's short is what i know. It's short to enjoy, to love, to travel, and to laugh. Leaving Sci-fi apart, consider living in a matrix where everything happening around is a staged performance and when we need to look beyond it, the little things we are missing everyday, for me, smiling with my family and friends. Of course i can't do it either, i am a human, i also can't get things off my mind which i know might not matter in the longer span of time, but then looking that far off is practical again. So i am scared, concerned but try to smile just so that i don't miss out this day completely.

When i am off of these problems someday, i will still be the same friend. DJ da Promise!