Worried

I have not been attending public gatherings, at first i thought i just don't want to get social and be happy the way i am but today i realized there might be a sub-conscious reasoning behind  it. I did attend a function, was a 25th marriage anniversary of an uncle/aunt and i realized how uncomfortable i was there standing in the middle of gathering of 500 people completely alone, my mom was there with me but it was like i am shielding her from the numerous arrows all around. I looked back at her, she was worried for me, hoping i didn't mind this whole setting and feeling bad for myself. I was tough as usual but i broke down with that expression on her face, wanted to kill myself to give her that moment, that helplessness again which i used to see on her face 18 years ago. I was the reason this time, it was my father before, i couldn't change anything after all.

What can i do for you? I am trying to be happy, does not show my sorrow on your face at all. Would it be enough?