Cherish or Mourn this life?

What did i do to become a person like this. Wasn't i always a good guy, obeyed to parents, cared for little sister, always there to help friends, earned money, do hard work at office, what did i miss, what the hell did i miss? But still, i am the one who have to avoid conversations so that they don't hurt me, don't remind me that they are better off. Ideally, i should be walking tall with all that i saw in life, 11 year old kid didn't know what to do, what now, what is the future, no money, 1000 Rs. a month for 3 people, yes i survived, yes i came out, yes i fucked everybody's brain out when i got selected for BIS and then Microsoft from this background. Didn't i have had my share of tough time in 30 years, to see more? How much more?

And now, i am losing my cool every day, every second, i don't know how to maintain relations anymore, i am always pissed at something, how far can i go like this. This way, i will loose everything i am left with. I feel like a liability, people are cutting corners when i talk about going out somewhere, it's a weird feeling i used to have 12 years back but then i got used to good things, i don't want to go back to feeling lonely.

I know what i missed, i missed myself, dropped it somewhere along the way, i couldn't handle everything else with my own burden it seems.

Worried

I have not been attending public gatherings, at first i thought i just don't want to get social and be happy the way i am but today i realized there might be a sub-conscious reasoning behind  it. I did attend a function, was a 25th marriage anniversary of an uncle/aunt and i realized how uncomfortable i was there standing in the middle of gathering of 500 people completely alone, my mom was there with me but it was like i am shielding her from the numerous arrows all around. I looked back at her, she was worried for me, hoping i didn't mind this whole setting and feeling bad for myself. I was tough as usual but i broke down with that expression on her face, wanted to kill myself to give her that moment, that helplessness again which i used to see on her face 18 years ago. I was the reason this time, it was my father before, i couldn't change anything after all.

What can i do for you? I am trying to be happy, does not show my sorrow on your face at all. Would it be enough?